


Journal For Zack

by Zafona



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Clack, Cloud's journal, Diary/Journal, M/M, Memories, Sad, clack mentions, zackxcloud
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-20 01:10:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4767902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zafona/pseuds/Zafona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cloud has been writing journals since he learned he'd mixed up his own reality. It was a sort of fail safe to help him keep his memories straight. But he realized it was time to start writing about someone who had done more for him than he'd ever remembered. He didn't want to just write about Zack Fair, he wanted to write to him, as if Zack might be reading his words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Entry 1

_Hey Zack, I’ve been thinking a lot about things that happened. I’ve been keeping journals since I discovered who I was again; it just made sense to me. It’s been a few years now since then, I’ve worked through so many other things but I never came back to this; to you. I promised you I’d live out both our lives, and then I forgot who I was and I forgot you._

_For that I’m so sorry, Zack._

_So I thought I’d start this new journal, something for both of us. I know, logically, you’ll never see it, but I think I need to do it anyway. I’ve written so much about the present, about friends and enemies and myself, but somehow I couldn’t find a way to include heroes. So this is for you._

_The first time I saw you was when we boarded the helicopter, it was my first mission with a 1st class SOLDIER. You looked so intimidating in your uniform, but you were so much younger than I expected. I was still excited though; you seemed really nice during the trip. So talkative and loud, I always thought SOLDIERs were stoic and serious. It was a comfort to see one who wasn’t._

_When the helicopter started going down you were so calm. I don’t think I’ll ever know why it did, wasn’t Tseng the one piloting it? I can’t really recall._

_I had started panicking with the other infantryman, can’t think of his name right now; I remember I couldn’t breathe right. You kept a level head, you told us it’d be okay, “Try to stay calm.” I still remember the way you said it, how your face looked… I don’t know, maybe that was when it started happening to me? I felt safer with you there, even though the aircraft was going down in the middle of nowhere. The mountainside came up so fast; I remember how unreal it looked as we closed in on it. Your hand was on my shoulder; I can still feel how it tightened right before impact. You were scared too, I think that’s another reason I liked you so fast._

_Do you remember it? How cold it was on that mountain? A lot happened on that mission for you, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d forgotten every other detail that didn’t involve your mentor._

_You were the ‘country boy’ of the group and I instantly felt a connection. I didn’t want to say so though; it felt like bragging in that situation. It was a little weird to be honest, walking side by side with a SOLDIER like that. I’d kept pace with you; it was nice to hear your praise for it. It was like I was in a fairytale, a fantasy I’d made up where a hero noticed me and I made it into the big leagues. That’s when we exchanged our first words; I can hear how you laughed when I think about it. But I’m not sure if that’s really how you sounded anymore, I wish I could hear you laugh again._

_It was freezing up there, I had a scarf and sleeves I could roll down but you didn’t. You said you weren’t that cold though, I still think you were lying. I saw how red your arms got, how many times you sniffled, but you still refused to let me give you anything. I would’ve given you the scarf, you know. I’m used to mountains and how cold they can get._

_I know my thoughts are all over the place right now, I haven’t tried talking to you in so long, the last time I could barely speak. I miss you Zack. That’s what I really want to say to you right now. I miss you and I’m sorry. If it weren’t for me maybe you would’ve gotten away? I know I shouldn’t think like that, but sometimes I can’t help it._

_I was conscious, you know._

_Every word you said to me, every time you cried because you thought you were alone, I remember it all. I wish I could’ve told you it was okay, to try and stay calm like you had told me. But instead I was useless to you, just extra weight you had to carry. There isn’t a way for me to bring you back, or to go back in time and save you. I wish I could. I wish a lot of things, but mostly right now I wish you were here._

_I can’t write anymore today, I’m sorry Zack. I’ll message again soon._


	2. Entry 2

_ Entry 2 _

_Hello again Zack, it’s been a while since I wrote. I wasn’t sure what to say to you, nothing interesting happened and I’m still fighting my memories. I don’t want it to hurt when I write but it seems I can’t ever do that when it comes to you. Maybe someday, but right now every time I think about you something comes back._

_Last night I had a dream about you, it felt really vivid, almost real. I woke up in my room and went through my morning like always, but you were right there with me. You said good morning when I stepped out of my room, it didn’t seem odd to me at all. You brushed your teeth next to me, your hair was a mess and you wore a set of pajamas like mine. I think they actually were mine; they didn’t seem to fit you._

_That’s all that happened, but I woke up crying anyway. Tifa was watching me, she’s worried I think._

_I wanted to talk about some of the missions we went on together. Whenever I was assigned to a mission with a SOLDIER member I was so excited, I never knew if it’d be you or not but I always hoped it was. I remember the first time I realized you remembered me. Maybe it was childish awe or a fanboy thought, but I never imagined you’d recognize me. I felt so forgettable, like I wasn’t worth your time. In hindsight I know better, you were never like that._

_Our second mission together was a strange time, you were in the middle of growing your hair out and I thought it looked funny. I never told you, I didn’t have the nerve, but I think I would now if I got the chance._

_It was after Angeal died and before we had any kind of news about Hollander or Genesis. Everything was about AVALANCHE, I think you told me once about how some of your friends deserted. I can’t remember the details though. But when I saw you it always seemed like you were upbeat, you found something to keep you going. It was such an inspiration to everyone, but that wasn’t what kept me going. Whenever you were alone or thought no one was looking, you seemed like you were in a sort of mental dead space. Like the weight of the world really was on your shoulders._

_That, to me, was far more impressive. It was the first time it really sunk in that SOLDIER members were human; that_ you _were just a man. It made your accomplishments so much more real to me, when you would tell me ‘If I can do it, you can do it,’ you weren’t lying. I could actually see myself in that uniform with you, fighting at your side like equals._

_I wore the uniform in the end, but it wasn’t the same. I still wonder what our friendship could’ve been like if you were with me now. I miss you Zack, I’ll write again soon._


End file.
